


Go to Sleep With Our Blame

by orphan_account



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M, Mental Breakdown, Post-Split, Reference to Eating Disorder, i dont think of this as a happy ending and neither will you, i made my friend cry with this, reference to suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 06:35:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5195825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Don't you fucking dare, Brendon Urie," Ryan whispered fiercely, looking up at Brendon with tear-stained eyes lit with fire. "Don't you fucking dare pretend that you were the only one who was affected by what happened. Don't you dare."</p><p>title from the young veins - die tonight</p>
            </blockquote>





	Go to Sleep With Our Blame

It was 3 am and he was totally drunk. Brendon couldn't believe he came to his house. After years of not seeing each other and finally this happens. He should really have someone supervise him when he drank.

Ryan's hand gripped the door frame tightly, his knuckles turning white. Brendon studied his face and was suprised he could still read it as easily as he did so many years ago. Ryan looked like he was about to cry and at the same time scream at him. For the longest time, Brendon and Ryan just stared at each other. Then finally Brendon broke the silence.

"Hey, Ryan. I think we should, um, talk." Brendon cringed at the awkwardness.He didn't know why he was taking a civil pursuit to the conversation. He always thought of this moment as screaming and anger and curse words thrown at each other. Intead he finds himself very  nervous and a sad Ryan Ross. The fire he had in his eyes gone, leaving them hollow. Brendon assumes the anger he saw in them was the only other emotion he's felt other than sadness and it doesn't sit well in Brendon's stomach.

"Yeah. I think that's a good idea." Ryan spoke, voice trembling. He realeased his death grip on the frame and opened the door wide. He lets Brendon come into the house while Ryan stared down at the floor, wringing his shaking hands.

Brendon walks into the living room area and hovers awkwardly before sitting down in the couch pressed to the other side of the room. Ryan walked into the room and sat down in the chair parallel to him. Before Ryan could compose himswlf, Brendon could help but blurt out.

"Why did you actually leave?" Ryan sharply inhaled and his head snapped up to look at Brendon. They made eye contact and Ryan broke it, looking to the floor once again and body stiff.

"It's like I said, Brendon," Ryan took a deep breath. "I wanted to make different music. The mu-"

"The music was changing and you didn't like it, whatever." Ryan flinched at Brendon's harsh tone. Brendon tried to control the anger that he felt as he began  sober and realize his situation.

"What was the actual reason you left?" Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but found no words. Brendon couldn't stop the flow of words that flooded out. After years of being bottled up, they were unrelentless torrents of curses and insults and tasteless reasons. And what made Brendon even angrier was that Ryan just sat there and took it.

"Did you think you were the shit? Did you think we were a fucking waste of your time? Did you hate us so much? I bet you didn't even care about the fucking band?" Brendon said, seething with rage. "You left us a fucking wreck Ryan. Me and Spencer. While you went and spent these past years fine and dandy while we suffered." Brendon would have continued ranting if it wasn't for Ryan interupting him.

"Don't you fucking dare, Brendon Urie," Ryan whispered fiercely, looking up at Brendon with tear-stained eyes lit with fire. "Don't you fucking dare pretend that you were the only one who was affected by what happened. Don't you dare."

Brendon bristled with anger. "Oh really? I highly fucking doubt it." Ryan jumped out of his chair and walked up to Brendon,  glaring at him.

"You took everything away from me. Everything!" Ryan screamed, tears streaming down his face. "I was a fucking wreck! You took my band and everything I held. You play my fucking songs! I told you to change the name but you're fucking using the same name. You don't know what the fuck I've gone through. Just for your information, I've been a fucking mess since I called you to tell you I'm leaving the band! I cried and knew I was going to regret it! Do you want to know the real reason why I left? Because I fucking hated myself! I hated myself so much and I fucking loved you! I was in love with you and I decided I was too much of a coward. I was too weak. I wasn't strong enough. I always thought I was the worst human being on the planet and I didn't deserve to be happy. You think you know how I spent the last years? I've been to busy trying not to kill myself. Dan and Z are the only reasons why I'm still here! They were here to pick me up as I hit rock bottom. They didn't me starve. They were fucking there when I had to be talked down from doing something stupid. When I called them at the early hours so I wouldn't kill myself." Brendon felt sick as he heard that. "And get this, this is the fucking hilarious part. I'm still in love with you after all this shit. So I'm so fucking sorry." Ryan said, his voice cracking from screaming and the crying.

He collapaed to the floor and continued to cry, having a sort of mental breakdown. Brendon stood there, shocked as he watched the small form of his ex-best friend shaking and choking on sobs and screaming.

Brendon sank to his knees and enclose his arms around Ryan, holding the broken form close. He closed his eyes, feeling tears in his eyes.

Brendon sat there for hours, Ryan clinging to him, shaking hands curled in the fabric of his shirt for what seemed like hours. He looked at the blank wall as he rubbed circles on Ryan's shaking back and didn't take much notice at the tears that have been soaking into his shirt.

Soon the crying stopped and Ryan had passed out from exhaustion. Brendon looked down at the crumpled form and picked him up. Ryan weighed practically nothing and Brendon tried to pretend like he didn't feel the sinking sensation in his chest. He walked into a hallways which he presumed lead to the bedroom.

Two tries at different doors later, Brendon opened the correct door with a bit of difficulty and walked inside.

He came up to the bed and placed Ryan gently on it, where he subconciously curled up into a tiny ball. Brendon placed a blanket over him.

He stared at Ryan for a long while, then sat down at Ryan's desk and grabbed a piece of paper and pen and wrote out a short note.

_Ryan,_

_I've treated you like shit and I'm not as good with words as I pretend I am and I'm not good at owning up to what I did. Hopefully I correct one of the two flaws in this note. I'm a heartless asshole sometimes but I always think of you. Have since you left. I thought of you when I was dating and I always crumbled. And I was mad at you and cursed you. But now I know and I never wanted to be an asshole to you. I was bitter. I'm not asking for your forgiveness. I don't think I'll ever get it. I'll apologize until the day I die. Ry, my number id the same._

_I hope yours is as well._

_-Brendon_

He finished a few minutes later and stood up, leaving the note in plain sight next to a notebook which he instantly remembered.

_'Ryan! I got you a notebook, man. So you don't lose your songs if you missplace the sheet of paper!' Brendon said, giving Ryan the lilac journal._

_Ryan gave a soft smile at Brendon, taking the thick notebook in his hands. 'Thanks, Bren.'_

Brendon smiled sadly at the memory and walked back to were Ryan was sleeping. He looked at him, then leaned down and gently kissed him and broke away. Brendon left for the exit and just as he was going to leave, he whispered.

"I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> so like the part about brendon taking the band away from ryan was from this account from a fan when they talked to jon walker. i hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Update 10.01.2017:  
> Now officially orphaned.


End file.
